Surf, Swipe, Smile, Speak, Serenade, Sex……. Start Again!!!
Recently I have encounter more and more people coming to see me with suffering from ‘Dating Anxiety’ or ‘Dating Addiction’
In 1995 Match.com was launched, by 2002 it had 26.6 million subscribers all looking for the same thing……. a date!! Some love, others; friendship, marriage, dinner, or just sex!!
Currently in the UK 17 million people are signed up to dating apps/websites that’s 27.8% - just under a third!! I tried to find out on the internet answers to various questions about dating sites, sadly I couldn’t find a robust piece of research.
I decided to take it upon myself to do my own research, YES I signed up to a couple of dating sites!!! Wow…. those places are VERY interesting!!! My aim was to get a few questions answered:
How long does the average person stay on a site looking for a result?
How many dates do they have before they find love?
How long did the relationship last?
How often do they visit a site or tap the app?
I managed to chat with 50 dating app users, my findings were most interesting, yet not surprising!!
80% of those asked had been on a dating site for 5 years or more, the average person chatted with 6 people before they chose to date one of them, 70% of people dated more than 5 people before they found somebody that they wanted to see a second time. The average relationship lasted two months before they decided to terminate the partnership, over 50% admitted to remaining on the site chatting with others whilst dating a person.
The average dating user visited the site more than 3 times a day, and spent over an hour a day swiping, liking, fav’ing, chatting.
What I found most interesting from those I spoke with was, after a successful first date they went back onto the website!! Why????? Most popular response……just in case somebody better looking, and/or more interesting, was available.
Prior to internet dating, the majority met their partner at work, in a bar/pub/club, through friends etc, and they worked at the relationship, finding out more about each other, slowly pulling the onion layers back, and therefore revealing more about each other, growing more confident with one another; the kissing got better, the conversation more interesting, and eventually learning about the others sexual style! We never met a person in say a bar, had a successful date, and then straight after went back to ‘that’ pub to see if there was anybody more attractive or interesting sat waiting.
Cyber dating has become an addiction for many, this has caused anxiety, upset, frustration, resulting in desperation! Treating dates like ‘Drive Throughs’ or ‘Disposable’ commodities. However, they continue the same repetitive behaviour!! Remember the phrase ‘do the same, get the same’
I read recently that one lady rated her dates looks, conversation, kiss ability, likeability, etc out of 10 She claimed she was looking for perfection, well as we know perfection doesn’t exist when it comes to human behaviour, WHY? Because every day we change slightly, develop new interests, behaviours etc Therefore, we should really strive for excellence, if a person scores 7 out of 10, there is a high chance that over time they grow to score higher, and the relationship blossoms, or simplistically, if you feel a connection – just get on with it!!!
I once heard about a person who dated a guy for around 3 months, they had great days out, lovely meals, lots of laughs, enjoyed champagne together, amazing intimate encounters, they sexual style was developing, but then he was dumped…… The reason - when they wore stripper heels, he was too short!!!
The guy ticked most boxes, however the person went back to dating sites looking for the tall guy, however the tall guy never ticked the same number of boxes as the shorter guy (now there’s a surprise), and therefore the person is STILL dating guys daily/weekly, having short term relationships and this will continue.
Many psychotherapists analysing this person, would most probably following the Freudian method - Were they looking for the father type figure they always desired, have they developed an unhealthy appetite to sleeping around looking for a new sexual high, or maybe they just have low self-esteem, lacking inner confidence, and just dating for the sake of dating hoping that if you date enough people you will find the one, I think you know the outcome of this continued behaviour.
The average person spent over an hour a day tapping the app, let’s go for a conservative duration, say 1.5 hours a day, this equates to 10.5 hours a week – just under a wakening day!!! 52 Days a year with still no positive result!!! Think about what could have done with those 52 wasted days – my good friend and NLP co-founder Dr Richard Bandler would be brash and probably say “52 extra days of great sex, smiles, happiness, and memories thrown away”
Life is too short for this amount of waste and stress, to quote lyrics from a song by The Banderas:
This is not a story
This is not a book, this is your life
And this is not a play
Some TV show you've seen
This is real life
You know that
This is your, this is your life
For many this Cyber Dating addiction must cease, but how? The answer is simple – A Change in ‘unconscious’ thinking. Using a mix of NLP and Hypnosis, the negative behaviours can be reversed, the anxiety and stress reduced, inner confidence increased, and therefore a calmer, more relaxed approach to dating resulting in happiness, learning to discover the other person naturally, and allow the relationship to mature.
If you are fed up of running on the treadmill of cyber dating, wasting days searching for the perfection, contact David at Your Positive Change – Hypnotherapy NOW, and learn how to find the person who will mature into your desire.